I have delivered food to grieving families and you probably have, too. Once I delivered a large casserole of beef stew with burgundy, something I would not do now. For after having two family members die on the same weekend I have a different slant on food deliveries. Food is appreciated, but I think we need to update the custom, and here are my suggestions.
1. CALL FIRST. You don't know how much food has already been delivered. The refrigerator and freezer may be full and additional food will cause problems. Before you make anything call and see if the family needs food. When a church friend called I turned down her offer of food. "It's all we can do to eat a scrambled egg," I explained.
2. FIX FAMILIAR FOODS. My husband and I were so overcome with grief that we had upset stomachs. We hardly ate anything and when we did it was simple stuff like tomato soup. Spicy food may not be the best choice at this time. Rather, deliver familiar foods -- clear soups, custard, fresh fruit -- things that go down easily.
3. CONSIDER PORTION SIZES. Some family members appreciated food deliveries, but others were overwhelmed by the portion sizes . Dividing food into small portions encourages family members to eat. Packaging food in small freezer containers is also helpful.
4. OFFER TO SHOP. Going to the grocery store after my daughter was killed in a car crash took all the courage I had. I would meet friends at the store and burst into tears when they expressed sympathy. Offer to pick up some groceries for the family the next time you shop. Tell them when you will deliver the groceries.
5. CHECK BACK LATER. After the death of a loved one family members are overwhelmed with legal and financial tasks. They may run out of milk or find they are short of basic supplies like toilet paper. Contact the family again and see if they need anything.
6. NO THANKS NECESSARY. Years ago, when our family was in crisis, a church friend gave us some soup. A note was taped to the top of the bowl and it said, "No thanks are necessary. I wanted to do this for you." This is a stressful time for all family members. Telling them that no thanks are necessary helps to relieve their stress.
Delivering food is a time-honored custom and one worthy of continuing. The best food you can provide is food for the soul and the words, "I'm so sorry."
Copyright 2007 by Harriet Hodgson
